Flipping the Switch

Have you ever experienced something so awful, it made you want to flip the switch on humanity? Flipping the switch is a reference from Vampire Diaries where Stefan’s pain and emotional hurt outweighed his ability to remain “human” so by flipping the switch, he turned his emotions off and was called “The ripper” because all he did was take, and literally rip people apart. 

I was recently having a conversation with my mom about a time in my life that I flipped the switch. Ironically, it was such a casual conversation, where I finally shared with her an experience, after years of not talking about it with anyone.

Should it have been a deeper, more intimate conversation? Not exactly, because I believe in being able to speak on things as the need arises and not planning around it as that heightens our anxiety.

I know that this experience affected her as much, or even worse than it affected me. But we grieved differently. For me, flipping the switch included loss of interest in 100% EVERYTHING! When I look back, one thing that stands out to me is a memory from high school. I was in boarding school and I intentionally missed my classes, as I sat right outside the classroom of the very lesson I was “dodging”. I got punished, and “disciplined” but none of that worked because I couldn’t care less about anything at that time. My life changed, I was forced to adapt to different situations, live in other homes, learn to live with different people, and handle unique personalities.

On the other hand, my mom was so distraught and she showed it. She cried for months on end, talked and vented to her people, and she was able to share her pain with others who understood it. I am glad she had a support system during this time and that she could get out of this dark place when everything started to work out.

I continued to suppress emotion, rarely cried about anything really. This experience and everything that followed made me who I am today. Because of what I went through emotionally, I am so adamant about communication especially when it comes to feelings because I did not have that. As a child who was already “reserved”, having to constantly adjust to fit in the home I was living in at the time made it 1000 times more problematic for me to communicate. 

I am grateful that I decided to take this healing journey. It has not been easy but it has been and continues to be very rewarding.