Everything In My Power.
Hi friend! I know it’s been long but I am back with a message!
I was recently having a conversation with a friend about generosity and showing up for people. This could be anything from time, space, money, food, clothes, wisdom, ANYTHING that you can share. And I remembered being the kind of person that would quite literally give the shirt off my back to a stranger. And now as I am growing, I am not that person anymore and I often think about WHY this was the case back then. Was I willing to do it because I wanted their validation? Did I want them to remember how kind I was to them? You know the saying “people will always remember how you made them feel”? But how about how I feel? I was not content with my decision of giving my last coin, piece of clothing, food or even time. I always felt like I was left empty; and it turns out to be because the people I was bending over backwards for would never do the same for me. I would need to be in a literal life or death situation for these people to come through for me in ways that I showed up for them in situations that were not dire. I just loved to make people’s lives easier, which technically is a good thing but at what cost?
As I have continued to grow and evolve, I have learnt to set boundaries and seriously uphold them. And to my surprise, my relationships have become healthier because I am open about how much of myself, I can offer at a given time. I have come to understand that if someone loves you, they will respect your boundaries and love you through your evolution. Anyone who is quick to judge you for being a little selfish is not for you, and anyone who persistently tries to cross said boundaries needs to be let go of because they do not love you. In the words of the wise Bell Hooks, “When we understand love as the will to nurture our own and another’s spiritual growth, it becomes clear that we cannot claim love if we are hurtful and abusive. Love and abuse cannot coexist.” Love. And. Abuse. Cannot. Coexist.
I am willing to acknowledge that I have played a role in being the abuser in certain relationships. I have shared on Baring Souls that I never understood or respected boundaries with my sister. I was in a space where I felt like if I could give my life for you, you should be able to do the same for me. Therefore, boundaries were never meant to exist in that relationship because of the codependency I was struggling with. However, with a lot of learning and unlearning, I have come around to understanding that:
“No.” is a full and complete sentence. When someone says “No”, they mean it, and begging or guilt tripping is a form of abuse.
You could want to lay your life down for someone but that doesn’t mean that they are obliged to do the same.
Boundaries are the healthiest thing about any relationship. Understanding that someone needs space and time away from you and your needs is vital in curating healthy relationships.
I would like to end this piece by encouraging you to think outside yourself, the people around you are communicating in so many ways and you need to be present and respect their boundaries. Lastly, listen to people and what they need, offer as much as you can without emptying your cup. The theme of this piece is “I will do everything in my power to support your needs.” Sometimes my power is a text instead of an hour-long phone call, a smaller amount of money than is needed, or a virtual date instead of a physical meet-up. I get to decide how much I can pour from my cup.
I hope you enjoyed reading this and found it inspiring to be a better friend, partner, sibling, parent, and overall better person!
